February 4, 2014
I woke up this morning to snow. Waited a bit to get in the shower, and there it came! The two hour delay phone call! I love 2 hour delays. They are unexpected, wonderful slow mornings. Started some laundry, making a bacon/avocado omelet for breakfast, time to blog, lay in bed enjoying my coffee, listening to Matchbox 20(craig suggested that) and texting with Craig and Meg, and putting together a grocery list. That's a lot for a slow morning, but it is all at my pace. Slow and easy today.
Wow, February already. January flew by. Before I know it, school will be out, summer will be here. and who knows what will happen then.
I think I need to be making some plans for the summer, but things are happening. I wanted to get a job bar tending or waitressing, but if I am still going to Eunice on the weekends or having company here, I don't want to work the weekends. I would like to find another place to live. So moving is definitely on my agenda! Maybe a trip to Montana with Dora. 50th birthday party for JoAnne. The Chancellor graduation/retirement party.
And continuing this new romance. When I moved to Ruidoso, I decided I was going to open myself up to opportunities and create some as well. So, I let Jo Ann set me up with a friend. That was nice, fun, but not what I wanted. No spark. Set up profiles on match.com and Eharmony. Actually met someone. We had a lot in common, had fun, but timing is everything. He had personal stuff going on, I believe. Anyway, that faded away.
At thanksgiving, one of Susan's friends was here visiting. She has an older brother that I knew in high school. I was asking about him, told her I thought I would give him a call, just catch up with him.
So I called, he agreed to meet me for drinks. The next night he came with me to a Christmas party, and Sunday we had lunch before I came home. There was a spark, we had fun, and I think he has texted me everyday since then. January 1, I went back to Eunice to see him again. Definitely some chemistry this time.
It is so weird. I know right away if there is something there or if there is no point in continueing to see someone. I realize that time makes a difference, but it seems like a waste of time if there is no spark to get the fire started.
Well the fire is started. We have seen each other every weekend since then, except one. He is not what I expected to be dating, but apparently what I needed. We talk about any and everything, I go to work with him when I am in Eunice, we have common friends, friends I have not seen in years. It is comfortable, easy, and very enjoyable.......See where it goes. Just enjoying him and I think he is enjoying me. Keena asked me this weekend, "What are you going to do with him?" Not sure what she meant by that. I told her we are having fun. And that's all we need for now.
One more thing, one of the things I like most about this new "friendship" is that it is just about Craig and I. Has nothing to do with the kids, the Sandovals, my past life. It is just about me. I feel very appreciated, safe, and I love all this attention he gives me. I realize it is weird to mention the Sandovals, but they are an incredible family, and everyone wants to be around them, with lots of social events going on. I love them dearly, but I need a life without them. My own life. I will always cherish them and the memories, but this new life finally feels really good. And here I am getting tears, guess it is finally time to let go. But never, never forget. Manuel is my soul mate, I will always love him. But I can love again. And he would want me to. I don't know if this is the time or the person, but now I know it is ok. It's ok for me to take care of me, and do what I want and need. It is my time now.
Wow, this turned into quite a self therapy session, tears and all.
Well this was a blog all about me, wasn't it? Next time, I won't be so selfish.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
January 17, 2014
51 years old. It may sound old, but it is NOT! I am loving my fifties. I have found a freedom that I have never experienced before. Sure, I still have responsibilities, my children, my parents, but it is really about me. I can afford to do things, (for the most part), can go when I like, have popcorn and wine for supper, watch a movie, see who I want, doing what I want, and not having any guilty feelings. I am comfortable with me, confident, like what I have grown in to, physically and mentally. I am just in a really good place. This move is exactly what I needed. I am still finding Melanie, but the search is wonderful and fun. My children will always be my number one priority, but I have allowed myself to be a priority as well. Love it, love it love it!
2013 What a year. I bar-tended, served and cooked at a senior citizens center, took a job in Capitan teaching math, moved to a new town, knowing no one, made some new friends, got back into teaching, and most recently, a romance has started.
Megan graduated from NMSU and is working in Albuquerque using her degree. She has had quite a year, with some tragedy included. She is a trooper. Strong, beautiful, smart, kind. She is finding her way, realizes there are things that need some work and things that need to be let go. Her and Ruben are living in Moriarty. Starting a life without college. The real thing. They seem to balance each other and they have so much fun together.
Manuel Joseph Sandoval. He qualified for the state in Discus, received his High school diploma at the state track meet and missed his graduation ceremony. But so worth it! He is going UNM and loves it. He is so like Manuel, college is his thing. He is in the dorm and loving it, writing for the daily LOBO, making friends and also struggling with some demons. We all do that at times, I realize. He is working through things, and talking when he needs to. That is progress! He is having a long distance relationship with Mikeala. Tough on both of them. Time will tell.
And my mom. She has had a tough year. She has had some physical injuries, and her memory seems to be getting worse. She is healthy otherwise. She is not walking like before, because she can't, but wants to get back into it. Daddy has had a year too. Surgery, prescription drugs that just about made him crazy. They are getting older, but doing ok.
I am headed to Eunice this weekend. It is Sherry's 50th birthday today. We are going to celebrate the fabulous fifties. I love going back to Eunice. I have reconnected with friends that I did not see much of for years. Since I lost Manuel, they have become a terrific support system. Jo and Sherry are as crazy as ever, we get together and it is as if we were never apart. We laugh, talk, tell secrets, cry, and share! And John and Bubba are my rocks. They are the big brothers close to home, checking on me, worrying, talking to me. I have always enjoyed and loved them, I just never thought I would need them like I do now. I sometimes think about moving back there. I am not sure it would be the same if I lived there and it is so far away from kids! I think I am good where I am for now.
And then the new romance. FUN! We are just enjoying. Enough! Getting up and moving! I will be back soon:)
51 years old. It may sound old, but it is NOT! I am loving my fifties. I have found a freedom that I have never experienced before. Sure, I still have responsibilities, my children, my parents, but it is really about me. I can afford to do things, (for the most part), can go when I like, have popcorn and wine for supper, watch a movie, see who I want, doing what I want, and not having any guilty feelings. I am comfortable with me, confident, like what I have grown in to, physically and mentally. I am just in a really good place. This move is exactly what I needed. I am still finding Melanie, but the search is wonderful and fun. My children will always be my number one priority, but I have allowed myself to be a priority as well. Love it, love it love it!
2013 What a year. I bar-tended, served and cooked at a senior citizens center, took a job in Capitan teaching math, moved to a new town, knowing no one, made some new friends, got back into teaching, and most recently, a romance has started.
Megan graduated from NMSU and is working in Albuquerque using her degree. She has had quite a year, with some tragedy included. She is a trooper. Strong, beautiful, smart, kind. She is finding her way, realizes there are things that need some work and things that need to be let go. Her and Ruben are living in Moriarty. Starting a life without college. The real thing. They seem to balance each other and they have so much fun together.
Manuel Joseph Sandoval. He qualified for the state in Discus, received his High school diploma at the state track meet and missed his graduation ceremony. But so worth it! He is going UNM and loves it. He is so like Manuel, college is his thing. He is in the dorm and loving it, writing for the daily LOBO, making friends and also struggling with some demons. We all do that at times, I realize. He is working through things, and talking when he needs to. That is progress! He is having a long distance relationship with Mikeala. Tough on both of them. Time will tell.
And my mom. She has had a tough year. She has had some physical injuries, and her memory seems to be getting worse. She is healthy otherwise. She is not walking like before, because she can't, but wants to get back into it. Daddy has had a year too. Surgery, prescription drugs that just about made him crazy. They are getting older, but doing ok.
I am headed to Eunice this weekend. It is Sherry's 50th birthday today. We are going to celebrate the fabulous fifties. I love going back to Eunice. I have reconnected with friends that I did not see much of for years. Since I lost Manuel, they have become a terrific support system. Jo and Sherry are as crazy as ever, we get together and it is as if we were never apart. We laugh, talk, tell secrets, cry, and share! And John and Bubba are my rocks. They are the big brothers close to home, checking on me, worrying, talking to me. I have always enjoyed and loved them, I just never thought I would need them like I do now. I sometimes think about moving back there. I am not sure it would be the same if I lived there and it is so far away from kids! I think I am good where I am for now.
And then the new romance. FUN! We are just enjoying. Enough! Getting up and moving! I will be back soon:)
Sunday, December 1, 2013
December 1, 2013
First of all, the elephant in my mind. 5 years ago today we buried Manuel. The Second hardest day of my life. I wonder what our lives would be like if he were still with us. We have moved on, lived, done what each of us thinks we should do. But how different would things be?
It has been a tough week for all three of us. Manuel hardly ever lets things show, and this week he did. It was his birthday as well. And we were not together for Thanksgiving. He had a tough time. But on a good note, he reached out to me, wanting some comfort. I hope I gave him enough. My first thanksgiving without my children. It was hard. I missed them terribly. We celebrated the weekend before, just the four of us. And that was lovely! Crazy how I need the day itself. I am getting over that. Take them when I can. Plus the emotions, exhausting.
There were lots of positives and memories made as well. I brought my mom, we had a nice time. Susan, Jon and the girls came. We went driving looking for Elk, chatted around a beautiful camp fire, saw old friends, Sherry and Candy, played some cards, cooked, cleaned, drank wine. It was a wonderful long weekend.
Today, going to church, going for a long walk, laundry, balancing accounts, and maybe going to school to work. What I really want to do is see my friend, but I am not sure that will happen. We will see.
Happy holidays! I am going to start some new traditions for my little family! Find what fits me and mine, making ours even more special.
3 more weeks till winter break! Here I go:)
First of all, the elephant in my mind. 5 years ago today we buried Manuel. The Second hardest day of my life. I wonder what our lives would be like if he were still with us. We have moved on, lived, done what each of us thinks we should do. But how different would things be?
It has been a tough week for all three of us. Manuel hardly ever lets things show, and this week he did. It was his birthday as well. And we were not together for Thanksgiving. He had a tough time. But on a good note, he reached out to me, wanting some comfort. I hope I gave him enough. My first thanksgiving without my children. It was hard. I missed them terribly. We celebrated the weekend before, just the four of us. And that was lovely! Crazy how I need the day itself. I am getting over that. Take them when I can. Plus the emotions, exhausting.
There were lots of positives and memories made as well. I brought my mom, we had a nice time. Susan, Jon and the girls came. We went driving looking for Elk, chatted around a beautiful camp fire, saw old friends, Sherry and Candy, played some cards, cooked, cleaned, drank wine. It was a wonderful long weekend.
Today, going to church, going for a long walk, laundry, balancing accounts, and maybe going to school to work. What I really want to do is see my friend, but I am not sure that will happen. We will see.
Happy holidays! I am going to start some new traditions for my little family! Find what fits me and mine, making ours even more special.
3 more weeks till winter break! Here I go:)
Saturday, November 16, 2013
November 16. Two weeks till Thanksgiving. Five weeks till Christmas. My baby is turning 19. First semester almost done. Almost the 5 year anniversary of Manuel leaving us. Whew.... Crazy time of year.
I am trying to get in the mood to decorate for Christmas. Sometimes, I feel like I am right there. Others, not so much! Not sure what I want to do with this cute little place. Think I will use my fake, little pine tree with fake cones and needles that light up. That sounds traditional, now doesn't it? I will add my own flair of course, just not sure which flare yet. Hehe!
I had a first meeting with a man I met on Match.com last night. I had a wonderful time. You know, seems like I know right off the bat if there is any chemistry. Maybe I am putting too much into the chemistry thing, but I know it is what I want. So, I will go with my gut. We will see. I know, I know... don't get too excited, start making plans, thinking things. That is sooooooo hard! One day at a time, just enjoy.
The kids are coming next weekend. We are having a Lasagna Thanksgiving, the four of us, and maybe Mikaela, and my mom is staying with me too. It will be fun. Crowded, but fun. I love having us all together. It is so different with them all being adults. Manny and I drive Meg crazy, but we are what we are. Gotta love us all.
I have a guest coming over. Yes, the one from last night. I am going to put a snack tray together. Talk to you soon!
I am trying to get in the mood to decorate for Christmas. Sometimes, I feel like I am right there. Others, not so much! Not sure what I want to do with this cute little place. Think I will use my fake, little pine tree with fake cones and needles that light up. That sounds traditional, now doesn't it? I will add my own flair of course, just not sure which flare yet. Hehe!
I had a first meeting with a man I met on Match.com last night. I had a wonderful time. You know, seems like I know right off the bat if there is any chemistry. Maybe I am putting too much into the chemistry thing, but I know it is what I want. So, I will go with my gut. We will see. I know, I know... don't get too excited, start making plans, thinking things. That is sooooooo hard! One day at a time, just enjoy.
The kids are coming next weekend. We are having a Lasagna Thanksgiving, the four of us, and maybe Mikaela, and my mom is staying with me too. It will be fun. Crowded, but fun. I love having us all together. It is so different with them all being adults. Manny and I drive Meg crazy, but we are what we are. Gotta love us all.
I have a guest coming over. Yes, the one from last night. I am going to put a snack tray together. Talk to you soon!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
November 2, 2013
First of all, let me talk about small town school spirit. It was homecoming at Capitan last week. There were the usual activities, dress up days, assembly, games at lunch, football game, dance..... But the spirit was incredible. The whole district was at the assembly. Athletes ran over to high five the elementary, middle school participated in the games, everyone cheered! It was a great experience.
Now, if we can just focus on our math:)
For my second official weekend alone. So far, so good! Friday I did some running around, ordered new glasses, errands, etc. Before the game, I stopped by to see Coach Davis. He was my basketball coach and biology teacher in high school. We all have fond memories of him. He remembered me. Called my one of his blond bombshells. There were two of us that played BBall, Monika and I. But three blonds, Keena too! He has prostate cancer, but seems to be doing pretty well. He was mad that it had taken me 3 months to come by and see him. I am going to stop by again, would like to stay longer next time. I think I will take supper. So good to see him!
Football game Friday night. Now that was weird. I am used to going and knowing everyone. Not here! I could have been Dracula for all they knew. Friendly, but not exactly welcoming. Makes me think about how I treated new teachers and members of the community. I hope I do better. I will start anyway!
Saturday..... Took the truck to have the brakes fixed. Ouch, expensive! Couple of other things going on with it as well. The question: sell it or keep it? I understand the emotional value, the memories, holding on to Manuel. But, there is the cost and up keep. Decisions, decisions. On the upside, while the truck was getting fixed, I found a yarn shop, where there are ladies knitting. And lessons are free. YOu just buy some yarn and needles, sit down, and the ladies teach you! I loved it. I have been wanting to learn. So I was there for about 3 hours, learning and practicing! I am going to work on it some at home, and go back. My goal is Thursday afternoon or Friday before I leave for Moriarty.
Donna asked my what I have learned about myself, being alone. I don't really know, but I am enjoying it. Still, it would be nice to have a partner to share with! Time has changed, looking forward to a busy week.
First of all, let me talk about small town school spirit. It was homecoming at Capitan last week. There were the usual activities, dress up days, assembly, games at lunch, football game, dance..... But the spirit was incredible. The whole district was at the assembly. Athletes ran over to high five the elementary, middle school participated in the games, everyone cheered! It was a great experience.
Now, if we can just focus on our math:)
For my second official weekend alone. So far, so good! Friday I did some running around, ordered new glasses, errands, etc. Before the game, I stopped by to see Coach Davis. He was my basketball coach and biology teacher in high school. We all have fond memories of him. He remembered me. Called my one of his blond bombshells. There were two of us that played BBall, Monika and I. But three blonds, Keena too! He has prostate cancer, but seems to be doing pretty well. He was mad that it had taken me 3 months to come by and see him. I am going to stop by again, would like to stay longer next time. I think I will take supper. So good to see him!
Football game Friday night. Now that was weird. I am used to going and knowing everyone. Not here! I could have been Dracula for all they knew. Friendly, but not exactly welcoming. Makes me think about how I treated new teachers and members of the community. I hope I do better. I will start anyway!
Saturday..... Took the truck to have the brakes fixed. Ouch, expensive! Couple of other things going on with it as well. The question: sell it or keep it? I understand the emotional value, the memories, holding on to Manuel. But, there is the cost and up keep. Decisions, decisions. On the upside, while the truck was getting fixed, I found a yarn shop, where there are ladies knitting. And lessons are free. YOu just buy some yarn and needles, sit down, and the ladies teach you! I loved it. I have been wanting to learn. So I was there for about 3 hours, learning and practicing! I am going to work on it some at home, and go back. My goal is Thursday afternoon or Friday before I leave for Moriarty.
Donna asked my what I have learned about myself, being alone. I don't really know, but I am enjoying it. Still, it would be nice to have a partner to share with! Time has changed, looking forward to a busy week.
Friday, October 25, 2013
October 25, 2013
I have been in Captitan/Ruidoso for 3 months now. (almost) I like it, my job and living here. I need to get out and do more. I am going to Moriarty ALOT! Maybe too much, every 2 or 3 weeks. Or I have company. Both I enjoy. And I guess that is fine I don't know what I will do when I have to spend a weekend here all by myself. I have a feeling that is going to happen soon.
And that is ok. I have some projects I would like to work on, some shops I would like to check out, some recipes to try. I will be just fine, just like always.
I am wondering if this is where I am supposed to be. At first, I was sure it was. Now, not so sure. The teaching part is what I truly wonder about. This week was difficult. Students don't want to work, it is all my fault, they don't have time, I don't explain, Blah, blah, blah....
I am losing patience. But yesterday, I had 4 students stay or come in during my prep and get help. They all needed to, and they diid it of their own accord. I feel like they went away with a better math understanding. That is an upside.
But is it enough of an upside? Time will tell. Get through the year. See what happens. I want to enjoy going to work everyday. This week, I simply did not want to be there.
I am sure there are other things going on. It is getting close to November, the month we lost Manuel. I think that takes more of a toll on us than we realize. The whole month of 2008 is a whirlwind, yet so crystal clear, and foggy. Crazy. I find myself fighting the crying, don't do it, don't do it. Then the dam breaks, tears are falling, and I am super sad. It does not last long, usually. I miss you Manuel, just a hug and "have I told you today? I love you." could easily get me through another year. I find myself making references to you all the time. Something you would do, (yesterday your sock tan line from track), your one liners, the smell of you,(I wore your cologne the other day, not the same).....
Five years. I can't believe it. I wish I could find my place where I can feel you spirit, feel you touch me, see you light. I do not know how to get there. Could you just smack me and let me know you are right here, with me, beside me, arms around me, loving me, supporting me. More crazy, right? It sure feels good to write this.
My bet is that Meg will read it, I am sorry Megan. Just needed to write. I love you.
Speaking of Megan, if you are watching, you know what great human beings we have raised. They are the two most incredible people I know. I am sure part of that is the journey we have suffered through these last few years without you. But they are strong, smart, kind and loving. Both know what a good health relationship is, thanks to the example they were given. Manny loves college. It reminds my of how you used to say you could have gone to school forever. And Megan is pretty good at seeing the whole picture, just like you. We could not have asked for more.
Enough sad. Today I am going to Moriarty. Yes, again! They are having a Grad party for Jude. So will get to see everyone. (not always an easy thing, but enjoyable) Taking Wendy to the vet and cooking dinner for Misty and her family tonight. I hope to see Shannon and Lisa, but not sure I will. I have not seen Martha in forever. I am looking forward to visiting with her. There will be lots of hugs this weekend. I AM looking forward to that.
Till next time......
I have been in Captitan/Ruidoso for 3 months now. (almost) I like it, my job and living here. I need to get out and do more. I am going to Moriarty ALOT! Maybe too much, every 2 or 3 weeks. Or I have company. Both I enjoy. And I guess that is fine I don't know what I will do when I have to spend a weekend here all by myself. I have a feeling that is going to happen soon.
And that is ok. I have some projects I would like to work on, some shops I would like to check out, some recipes to try. I will be just fine, just like always.
I am wondering if this is where I am supposed to be. At first, I was sure it was. Now, not so sure. The teaching part is what I truly wonder about. This week was difficult. Students don't want to work, it is all my fault, they don't have time, I don't explain, Blah, blah, blah....
I am losing patience. But yesterday, I had 4 students stay or come in during my prep and get help. They all needed to, and they diid it of their own accord. I feel like they went away with a better math understanding. That is an upside.
But is it enough of an upside? Time will tell. Get through the year. See what happens. I want to enjoy going to work everyday. This week, I simply did not want to be there.
I am sure there are other things going on. It is getting close to November, the month we lost Manuel. I think that takes more of a toll on us than we realize. The whole month of 2008 is a whirlwind, yet so crystal clear, and foggy. Crazy. I find myself fighting the crying, don't do it, don't do it. Then the dam breaks, tears are falling, and I am super sad. It does not last long, usually. I miss you Manuel, just a hug and "have I told you today? I love you." could easily get me through another year. I find myself making references to you all the time. Something you would do, (yesterday your sock tan line from track), your one liners, the smell of you,(I wore your cologne the other day, not the same).....
Five years. I can't believe it. I wish I could find my place where I can feel you spirit, feel you touch me, see you light. I do not know how to get there. Could you just smack me and let me know you are right here, with me, beside me, arms around me, loving me, supporting me. More crazy, right? It sure feels good to write this.
My bet is that Meg will read it, I am sorry Megan. Just needed to write. I love you.
Speaking of Megan, if you are watching, you know what great human beings we have raised. They are the two most incredible people I know. I am sure part of that is the journey we have suffered through these last few years without you. But they are strong, smart, kind and loving. Both know what a good health relationship is, thanks to the example they were given. Manny loves college. It reminds my of how you used to say you could have gone to school forever. And Megan is pretty good at seeing the whole picture, just like you. We could not have asked for more.
Enough sad. Today I am going to Moriarty. Yes, again! They are having a Grad party for Jude. So will get to see everyone. (not always an easy thing, but enjoyable) Taking Wendy to the vet and cooking dinner for Misty and her family tonight. I hope to see Shannon and Lisa, but not sure I will. I have not seen Martha in forever. I am looking forward to visiting with her. There will be lots of hugs this weekend. I AM looking forward to that.
Till next time......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)