December 1, 2013

First of all, the elephant in my mind.  5 years ago today we buried Manuel.  The Second hardest day of my life.  I wonder what our lives would be like if he were still with us.  We have moved on, lived, done what each of us thinks we should do.  But how different would things be?

It has been a tough week for all three of us.  Manuel hardly ever lets things show, and this week he did.  It was his birthday as well.  And we were not together for Thanksgiving.  He had a tough time.  But on  a good note, he reached out to me, wanting some comfort.  I hope I gave him enough.  My first thanksgiving without my children.  It was hard.  I missed them terribly.  We celebrated the weekend before, just the four of us.  And that was lovely!  Crazy how I need the day itself.  I am getting over that.  Take them when I can.  Plus the emotions, exhausting.

There were lots of positives and memories made as well.  I brought my mom, we had a nice time.  Susan, Jon and the girls came.  We went driving looking for Elk, chatted around a beautiful camp fire, saw old friends, Sherry and Candy, played some cards, cooked, cleaned, drank wine.  It was a wonderful long weekend.

Today, going to church, going for a long walk, laundry, balancing accounts, and maybe going to school to work.  What I really want to do is see my friend, but I am not sure that will happen. We will see.

Happy holidays!  I am going to start some new traditions for my little family!  Find what fits me and mine, making ours even more special.

3 more weeks till winter break!  Here I go:)

November 16.  Two weeks till Thanksgiving.  Five weeks till Christmas.  My baby is turning 19.  First semester almost done.  Almost the 5 year anniversary of Manuel leaving us.  Whew.... Crazy time of year.

I am trying to get in the mood to decorate for Christmas.  Sometimes, I feel like I am right there.  Others, not so much!  Not sure what I want to do with this cute little place.  Think I will use my fake, little pine tree with fake cones and needles that light up.  That sounds traditional, now doesn't it?  I will add my own flair of course, just not sure which flare yet.  Hehe!

I had a first meeting with a man I met on Match.com last night.  I had a wonderful time.  You know, seems like I know right off the bat if there is any chemistry.  Maybe I am putting too much into the chemistry thing, but I know it is what I want.  So, I will go with my gut.  We will see.  I know, I know... don't get too excited, start making plans, thinking things.  That is sooooooo hard!  One day at a time, just enjoy.

The kids are coming next weekend.  We are  having a Lasagna Thanksgiving, the four of us, and maybe Mikaela, and my mom is staying with me too.  It will be fun.  Crowded, but fun.  I love having us all together.  It is so different with them all being adults.  Manny and I drive Meg crazy, but we are what we are.  Gotta love us all.

I have a guest coming over.  Yes, the one from last night.  I am going to put a snack tray together.  Talk to you soon!

November 2, 2013

First of all, let me talk about small town school spirit.  It was homecoming at Capitan last week.  There were the usual activities, dress up days, assembly, games at lunch, football game, dance..... But the spirit was incredible.  The whole district was at the assembly.  Athletes ran over to high five the elementary, middle school participated in the games, everyone cheered!  It was a great experience.

Now, if we can just focus on our math:)

For my second official weekend alone.  So far, so good!  Friday I did some running around, ordered new glasses, errands, etc.  Before the game, I stopped by to see Coach Davis.  He was my basketball coach and biology teacher in high school.  We all have fond memories of him.  He remembered me.  Called my one of his blond bombshells.  There were two of us that played BBall, Monika and I.  But three blonds, Keena too!  He has prostate cancer, but seems to be doing pretty well.  He was mad that it had taken me 3 months to come by and see him.  I am going to stop by again, would like to stay longer next time.  I think I will take supper.  So good to see him!

Football game Friday night.  Now that was weird.  I am used to going and knowing everyone.  Not here!  I could have been Dracula for all they knew.  Friendly, but not exactly welcoming.  Makes me think about how I treated new teachers and members of the community.  I hope I do better.  I will start anyway!

Saturday..... Took the truck to have the brakes fixed.  Ouch, expensive!  Couple of other things going on with it as well.  The question:  sell it or keep it?  I understand the emotional value, the memories, holding on to Manuel.  But, there is the cost and up keep.  Decisions, decisions. On the upside, while the truck was getting fixed, I found a yarn shop, where there are ladies knitting.  And lessons are free.  YOu just buy some yarn and needles, sit down, and the ladies teach you!  I loved it.  I have been wanting to learn.   So I was there for about 3 hours, learning and practicing!  I am going to work on it some at home, and go back.  My goal is Thursday afternoon or Friday before I leave for Moriarty.

Donna asked my what I have learned about myself, being alone.  I don't really know, but I am enjoying it.  Still, it would be nice to have a partner to share with!  Time has changed, looking forward to a busy week.

October 25, 2013

I have been in Captitan/Ruidoso for 3 months now.  (almost)  I like it, my job and living here.  I need to get out and do more.  I am going to Moriarty ALOT!  Maybe too much, every 2 or 3 weeks.  Or I have company.  Both I enjoy.  And I guess that is fine  I don't know what I will do when I have to spend a weekend here all by myself.  I have a feeling that is going to happen soon.

And that is ok.  I have some projects I would like to work on, some shops I would like to check out, some recipes to try.  I will be just fine, just like always.  

I am wondering if this is where I am supposed to be.   At first, I was sure it was.  Now, not so sure.  The teaching part is what I truly wonder about.  This week was difficult.  Students don't want to work, it is all my fault,  they don't have time, I don't explain,  Blah, blah, blah....

I am losing patience.  But yesterday, I had 4 students stay or come in during my prep and get help.  They all needed to, and they diid it of their own accord.  I feel like they went away with a better math understanding.  That is an upside.

But is it enough of an upside?  Time will tell.  Get through the year.  See what happens.  I want to enjoy going to work everyday.  This week, I simply did not want to be there.

I am sure there are other things going on.  It is getting close to November, the month we lost Manuel.  I think that takes more of a toll on us than we realize.  The whole month of 2008 is a whirlwind, yet so crystal clear, and foggy.  Crazy.  I find myself fighting the crying, don't do it, don't do it.  Then the dam breaks, tears are falling, and I am super sad.  It does not last long, usually.  I miss you Manuel, just a hug and "have I told you today?  I love you."  could easily get me through another year.  I find myself making references to you all the time.  Something you would do, (yesterday your sock tan line from track), your one liners, the smell of you,(I wore your cologne the other day, not the same).....

Five years.  I can't believe it.  I wish I could find my place where I can feel you spirit, feel you touch me, see you light.  I do not know how to get there.  Could you just smack me and let me know you are right here, with me, beside me, arms around me, loving me, supporting me.  More crazy, right?  It sure feels good to write this.

 My bet is that Meg will read it,  I am sorry Megan.  Just needed to write.   I love you.

Speaking of Megan, if you are watching, you know what great human beings we have raised.  They are the two most incredible people I know.  I am sure  part of that is the journey we have suffered through these last few years without you.  But they are strong, smart, kind and loving.  Both know what a good health relationship is, thanks to the example they were given.  Manny loves college.  It reminds my of how you used to say you could have gone to school forever.  And Megan is pretty good at seeing the whole picture, just like you.  We could not have asked for more.

Enough sad.  Today I am going to Moriarty.  Yes, again!  They are having a Grad party for Jude.  So will get to see everyone.  (not always an easy thing, but enjoyable)    Taking Wendy to the vet and cooking dinner for Misty and her family tonight.  I hope to see Shannon and Lisa, but not sure I will.  I have not seen Martha in forever.  I am looking forward to visiting with her.  There will be lots of hugs this weekend.  I AM looking forward to that.

Till next time......

October 2

This is what one of my students wrote on my board today.  We were talking about what I say and what they hear/what it means to them.  It shed some light on what goes on in kids heads, what I do say, and how sometimes, I have completely lost them.  By the way, I never say Dumb, Dumb.  We all had a good laugh, but it did make me think about how I do say things and how is sounds to them.

Last week, we had a great learning day or two.  This week as well.  It is that one incredible day every once in awhile, that makes teaching such a great job.  Plus the students.  They truly make it, every day.  

Now, Meg.   She is working hard to get fit and feel good.  It will make a difference in her life.  Go Girl!  And Manuel, he loves school (UNM)  the liberal thinking, great conversations, and his own space.  I could be the luckiest mom in the world.  What great young people.  

Quote of the day.  A mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is open!  Heard it on NPR, don't you love it.  

To all, Happy Fall, enjoy the weather, and have a great rest of the week.  

Mom, Susie and Rachel left about 30 minutes ago.  It was a very nice weekend.   While Susan and Rachel went out, Mom and I sat on the deck, had a snack tray, a couple of glasses of wine, and great conversation.  What a woman.  She has always been very independent, strong, smart, and loves to go see things, explore, and experience things.  The last couple of years, she has become less independent, sometimes more opinionated and stubborn,ss strong physically, and still open to new experiences.  The last couple of months have been really tough for her.  Her memory is off and on, mostly off, when it comes to short term.  But she laughs and says "you probably already told me that 12 times, huh."  The memory thing has been ongoing for a while, but at times, it seems better.  It is so hard for her, I know.  She know she does not remember and you can see the frustration in her face sometimes.  She is just like me, what she is feeling is written all over her face.  But for the most part, she is a happy woman.  She truly enjoys all of us.  Sometimes I feel like she is angry with me.  One time, not too long ago, she told me I make her nervous.  Not sure what I do to make her feel that way, but I wish I did not. Today was just pure pleasure, for both of us, I think.

She has taught us to be strong women, to take care of ourselves, to think, and to love.  I do not really think of her as a hugger, at least not towards me.  But she is becoming more affectionate these last couple of years.  We need to embrace every moment we can with her.  Who knows when time is up?  All of together is very stressful, for everyone.  I think it is really tough on Mom sometimes.   We have a lot of strong personalities, but we also have a love for each other.  We have to find a way to be together, truly enjoy and appreciate each other, and share with our children.  We all need to compromise and make an extra effort to be kind when we are together.  And an effort  to be together.

Well this turned into quite an entry.  Not sure how I got here.  The quote listed above is for all us to embrace.  Lets do it.

September 22, 2013

Happy Fall Ya"ll!  Ah, my favorite time of year. And now it is officially here.  Days are definitely getting shorter, crisp mornings, beautiful afternoons and evenings.  Time to try some new soup recipes. Maybe even do some baking.

My daughter is my inspiration.  She has decided that taking care of herself, mind and body, is important.  Actually, she has always taken care of her mind.  Now she wants to feel good as well.  So she has set some goals for herself.  And I am going to join her.  I would like to add a few of my own.

Work out at least 30 minutes at least 3 times a week.

Do some strength training at least 2 times a week.

Work on a quilt for me.

Start drawing

Every week try a new recipe.

Like Meg, I am turning over some new leaves.  I have begun chapter two, now I need to make some things happen.

So let's walk, run, enjoy the weather, do some cooking, and appreciate all that we have.   We are some lucky people!!!!!

Thank you Meg.   What would I do without you.

September 8, 2013

It has been a busy couple of weekends.  So first, Labor day Weekend

Wonderful friends came to visit.  3 very special ladies.  Dora, Annette and Sherry.  We had the most wonderful time  We worked out both days, cooked a wonderful breakfast, did a little touristing, enjoyed   cooking an incredible supper, and off to the races on Sunday.  But most importantly, we laughed, talked, enjoyed each other and the pines.  It was so relaxing yet invigorating.  I hope they come back soon!

Good week at school.  Short week, those always seem a little crazier.  I am trying to get us some professional training for Core plus.  Hopefully it will come soon.   But this week we had to have a talk about working together.  Their idea of it it is to each take a problem and do it, then share.  OMG.  I sort of lost it.  I explained, not sure how patiently, that group work is talking, working through ALL the problems, communicating, sharing, and everyone doing every problem.  Other wise, it is just plain cheating!  We will see how it goes this week.

Then this weekend.  Friday, I went to Tucumcari to  see Mom and Andy.  I have not seen them since they came back from Las Vegas.  She came home with me, for the weekend.  So nice to have her.  AND, Megan, Shandra, and Mia came to visit.  We went to the Kite festival,watched a movie, visited, just enjoyed!  What terrific young ladies!

Both weekends, there was some wine consumed.  Not enough to invest in a winery, but close.

This week is progress reports.  It has already been 4 1/2 weeks.  Can't believe it.

Tata for now.

One more thing.  Manny wrote my mom a letter.  It was the neatest letter, almost like a song.  I am going to start writing letters again.  To both of my kids!

ok, enough.

Happy week to all!

August 23, 2013

Week two of school.
        First thirsty Thursday in my new home.  With my new friends.
        Know most of students names.
        Have next week's lesson plans done.
        Almost pay day!  (thank God!)
        Lunch with some ladies today.
        A friend coming into town tomorrow, going to an antique show

Life is good.  The kids are doing fine.  And I am doing fine as well  Getting used to being alone.  Although I really miss the dogs.  They are good company in the mornings.  Keeping busy helps, but I am learning to be alone.  It is ok if I sit and do nothing, Lisa and Meg said so:)  And I will do it wtihout being sad and lonely.  I like my company, actually.

I have some projects I would like to start.  After Labor day, things settle down, I am in a routine and have some time to work.  My first project is a quilt.  I also have some drawing things I want to try.

I am looking forward to the weekend.  And seeing John.  We talk on the  phone for hours, laugh, tell secrets.  It will be fun to spend some time with him.  He likes to do things.  And the company will by nice.

I think I was meant to be here.  For now anyway.  Small world, our connections.  Devin, the real estate lady, told my about one of her friends that teaches at Capitan.  Turns out it is Angela Romero, the one who invited me for dinner and came to dinner this week.  As Angela says, another mirror.   So much in common!

Again, life is good.

August 14, 2013

First official day at Capitan Schools.  I sent this email to 4 of the best friends a girl could have.  Plus, they are teachers, they soooooooo   get it!  Plus Meg(not a teacher, but know the world)

Hi.  Hope your first couple of days have gone well.  All these new terms are getting to me.  EOC, PLC. RTI.....  geez, a year out and the acronyms are killing me!

Got a tell you about just a few things.  So yesterday, we had our first district meeting.   There were probably 50 of us, including all the bus drivers, maintenance crew, and secretaries.  The superintendent ran the meeting.   (Just like the old days in the middle school gym).  After introductions of new staff, a total of 5 of us, the school board president said a few words, then a prayer!  Guess religion in the school is not an issue here.  :)

We had a new staff meeting later, all 5 of us, in the superintendent's office.  With the principal and business admin. 

Then the afternoon staff meeting, mid and high, about 20 of us.  That is where all the new terms came out! 

Everyone is so nice.  And knows someone that knows me, and have "heard" about me.   Hope that's good.  Sounds like it might be from what they are saying.  Hope they do not find out too much,  I kind of like the cloud of mystery I pretend surrounds me.  LOL

The high school is being renovated and we are in the elementary.  We have the first six rooms and they built a wall to separate the high school and elem.  kids.  I guess the community is a little concerned about the mixing.  You know kids, they will be fine!  

It was a great day.  And today we had the students.  A year off was just what I needed.  Love it, love it, love it!  A year off was just what I needed.  This is where I need to be for now.

My first social activity in my new town!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

It is my first weekend alone.  I was kinda dreading it after I found out my sister was no longer coming.  So, I decided to make it MY weekend.  Got up this morning and walked to a really  cool little coffee shop, had coffee and read a summer activity guide, then headed home.  It started raining a little, so I put my hood on.  Then proceeded to take the wrong turn.  My 15 minute walk home took about 45 minutes, but it was beautiful.

Got home, fixed a great breakfast, dropped breakfast on the floor, fixed another(not quite so great), and finally got to eat!  Now it is almost noon.  Needless to say, I got a late start.  But it seems everything is taking an unnecessary amount of time.  During all this, I received some exciting news, but I can't share that right now.

I put the vacuum together, did a little house work, and headed to town with my list.  I found a local bakery, a quilt shop, and a fabric store!  Love all three.

Now, all day, I have been planning on going back to the coffee shop for the evening for a free movie.  (this is supposed to be my social activity for the week)  But by now, it is 5:00, I'm a little tired, ....
So I eat, and I'm thinking, "Do I really want to go?''  I text my wonderful daughter, and express my doubts.  Always encouraging, she stays take a shower and see how you feel.

So, I ended up going.  It was fun.  The movie was good.  Met and visited with a few people.  They do this every Saturday night and on Friday nights have live music and open mic.  Always early, 6 or 6:30. I am going to the Friday night thing too, next time I am here for it.  Maybe I can even get Manny to go with me, and sing a song or two for his old Ma!

All in all, it was a very nice day.  I think I can get used to this alone thing.  Life is grand and I am going to enjoy it!  Till next time....

My wonderful, encouraging daughter!

My just as wonderful singing, guitar playing son!

A new beginning....

Well, here I go!  New job, new home, new town, new chapter!  Worst of all, new stove (old version, new to me).  I have moved to Ruidoso!  It is beautiful, cute little house, and it feels like home with all my things in it.  My favorite part is the front deck.

I start my new job in Capitan Monday.  Students start Wednesday.  I will be teaching 6 periods of math, years 1 and 2.  Freshmen and sophomores.  I am starting to get the new year jitters.  but I am ready to get back into it!   Everyone I met has been so nice.  The challenge right now is getting my room ready.  Then, what to do the first day of school!  Always an issue, along with the weird dreams before the first day of students. (teacher thing)

Personal goals for the next 5 months.

Thirty plus minutes of exercise, at least 3 times a week.
Quick strength training, (focus on arms), every day, when I get up!
Cook for myself, trying new recipes.(Use my cooking for one cookbook)
Start Quilting or needle point
Once a week, get out and go do something social, besides work!  Coffee, movie, bookstore,....something!

DO NOT SIT HOME, WISHING FOR SOMETHING TO DO.  DO SOMETHING!

Here I go!

Okay, the graduation party is over.  One from college, one from high school.  Everyone is starting a new chapter.

Megan, college graduate, currently waitressing and looking for the "real" job.  Apply, apply, apply!

Ruben, working a youth camp, loves the kids, trying to figure out what he wants.

Manuel, high school graduate, working landscape, enjoying his last summer as a "kid", looking forward to college, but a little scared!

Me, ready to start my new chapter teaching math in a small school, new town, new opportunities.

What an incredible family I have.  We are so lucky to have each other,  a good quality of life, and an appreciation for family and each other.  Now, don't get me wrong.  It is not perfect, the kids still fight, but they also laugh, tease and love.  We are constantly adjusting and compromising.  I get a little stressed at times, but it helps to remember to breath!

I could be the luckiest woman in the world!

Good Morning.

I love Sunday Morning, both the show and the day. It is not very often I see the show, but I do enjoy it when I do.   It is still a little chilly.  Trying to decide if I walk or not.  I know I should, but....

Today is Shandra's (my niece) birthday and tomorrow is my father-in-law's.  We are having indian tacos at Martha's.  I am looking forward to the afternoon, visiting.

Manuel and I spent the afternoon and evening together yesterday.  Had a great day.  Seems like we don't have time together very often, but I love it when we do.  He is a great kid.  I am a lucky parent.  Both my kids are incredible, very different from each other, but incredible.  

I found a job that I think I might love!  Going to apply tomorrow.  I will mail the application, and am going to call the principal, touch base.  It would involve moving, at least partially.  Four day work week, so I could come home weekends.

It is the first one I have seen that I feel excited about.  Keeping busy has kept me out of the "funk" but I need to have a goal.  Of course, a hobby would be nice too!  I do live the restaurant/bartending.  I like the socialization and business of it all.  I have met some great people and seen some that I have not thought of in years.  Past Students and colleagues.  I love seeing and talking to them.

This week, I only bartend two nights, cooking all five days.  Manuel has a concert Wednesday night and track meet Thursday.  Busy week.  Thinking about joining Susie and Jon Friday night for a night of camping.   Life is busy.  Love it!

Here we go........

Thursday, March 7, 2013

I love Thursdays.  One day left till Friday, company for dinner, (most of the time), afternoon cocktails...We started a tradition a couple of years ago, Thirsty Thursday.  We have not been too good lately, but we usually manage to meet up and have a couple of beers and dinner.  Almost always Shannon, Lisa, and John.  Most of the time Alan.  And a few others occasionally.  When all the kids are home from school, they, of course, join us.  We all look forward to it.  Spring is a little tougher with track, baseball, just busy time of year.  But we still try to make it happen.

Tonight:  chili marinated country ribs and cabbage salad.  Shannon is bringing a side.

Meg wrote about songs and what the memories they evoke.  It got me thinking, of course.  The four of us on road trips, singing our hearts out.  Some of our favorites:  American Pie, Brandy, Hello Darling, the baseball song from Meatloaf, Devil went down to Georgia, Neil Diamond.....the list goes on.  I am sure each one of  us has a favorite road song.  After thinking of all this, then (of course) I cried.  Manny and I still sing on our twosome trips and of course I belt it out when alone!  Every once in while, we have a full car again.  Kaitlyn has been known to sing along a time or two.

When Meg was two, we took a trip to Denver.  We must have listened to Should Have Been a Cowboy twenty times.  (Toby Keith)  It would end, she would ask, Daddy, can we hear it again?

She even sang it to Manny when he was a baby.

I am looking forward to the weekend.  Meg is coming home, Manny has his first track meet of the season, family birthday party and my babies all together.

Except Ruben.  Dang job!  But life is here....

Till next time.

Oh, my positive quote.  Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and what you want to be. ( Perfect day to do that. )

Thank you again Connie Powell Dodd!

Tuesday Morning

It is a bit cool this morning.  Cloudy, so the sunshine is not warming my area!  I am looking at all these other blogs thinking mine is really boring.  Why am I writing this blog?

Mostly, I wanted to write down my feelings, thoughts, what's going on.... A journal.  But I am not too regular at writing in my journal, so I am hoping this will work out better for me.  So if you are reading my blog, it is just the life and sometimes crazy ramblings of a fifty year old woman trying to find herself.

Meg's blog is fun and entertaining, Manny's is thought provoking, and the vegan blog I looked at last night was educational and inspiring. Hm...........  I am just going to write.

I start my bar tending training today.  Of course, I dreamed about it.  People gave me a hard time, I forgot to card the customers, served the wrong drinks....It really could not have gotten much worse.  So I am hoping the actual experience is much better.  It will be!  At least I will card people!

New goal for the week.  I am going to try one vegan recipe.  I think I am going to start with Mac and  Cheese.  And try the cashew cream sauce.  You use it in place of  cream of mushroom or chicken soup.  I am thinking about an enchilada recipe, I will let you know how it goes.

Enough.  Eating breakfast then I need to get ready for work.  Of to a great start!  It's going to be a good day:)

March 3, 2013

A smile.  It completely changes the way people react to you and how you feel.  Even one that you have to force will make you feel better.   Try it.  Watch the reaction of the person you smile at and listen to your heart.  Maybe you hear a hum, or full orchestra, but I bet you feel better than you did!

We went to visit Lisa today.  Seems like forever since I've seen her.  She is an amazing woman.   I love to see Manny's interaction with her.  I learn so much about him, listening to the two of them talk.   Great minds!  I have missed her.  I am going to make more of an effort to get over there.

I am thinking of joining an outdoor single group.  They help maintain hiking trails, camp, volunteer... sounds like fun.  Why don't I just do it?  Why do I have to think about it?   Then I don't do it and wonder why not.  I am always doing that.  I need to become a doer, not a thinker.  Because I tend to overthink, and never make a decision.  Ugh!  I am going to work on that.

First track meet next week!  Can't wait.  Manny is excited.  He has set some high goals for himself.  and he is perfectly capable.  It is going to be a great season.

Did I mention I love the restaurant business?  Started serving again and start bartending this week.  I love it!

Till tomorrow..........

Today's thought!
I started the new job last night.  I did not get to bar tend, but helped the servers.  They are all new to this, so we went through a few things and I basically supervised.  But, still enjoyed it!  I really like this business and it was good to see people.  I see less of Manny, but it will work out.  I am working on my unfinished self.  I will never be done as long as continue living, loving, and learning.  Right?

February 28, 2012

I am home!  I love home.  I have helping out my dad, which he is very grateful for, but it is always so nice to be home.

I am going to start a positive routine.  Everyday, I am going to find a positive saying, thought, or picture and try to live it.  I am pulling myself out of the muck and starting again, fresh, without the funk I have been carrying around.  So today, here it is:

  Thank you Connie Powell Dodd.  I love your facebook page with all the positive and encouraging info.

Today, I start bar tending  I am pretty excited about it.  I love people and hearing their stories.  This just might be right up my alley.  Still working at the senior citizen center as well.  We will see how long that lasts.

My goals:
Save money for a trip with each child.
Refinance the house (save monthly)
Most importantly, START AN EXERCISE PROGRAM.  TODAY!

Till tomorrow......